My Action Partner—A Thoughtful Witness
By Laura Sturza
While I have never birthed a human baby, I often benefit from the practices taught in birthing classes: breathe, push. I spend much of my time pushing to be read, published, known, welcomed. I breathe between pushes, sometimes because I'm about to pass out.
Among the things that have carried me through my pushes to write, publish, support other writers, and teach has been the support of having an action buddy (aka action partner). We're both goal-oriented people, full of visions with the chops to carry them out. It happens with greater ease by having a consistent partner who serves as a reminder of our progress.
Even though I have a spouse and other friends who know a lot about what I do as a writer, a daily check-in with my action buddy means having a thoughtful witness to the details of my day-to-day actions and intentions. Meanwhile, I get to see her process, victories, challenges, and moments when she needs to catch her breath. We listen deeply and ask if the other needs particular support.
The pandemic meant that most of us weren't out in the world as much. It was easy to feel invisible. Yet each day, I've had someone watching out for me while I'm watching out for her. Our partnership helps me make mindful choices about activities concerning my writing goals, along with seemingly unrelated (yet related) tasks like hanging blackout curtains, which help me sleep better. Self-care is a recurring theme.
We correspond via email, often starting with a short check-in like, "my disability story was turned down by a 5th publication" or "had a crummy night's sleep, but I'm hopeful anyway."
Then, two lists. The first is the day’s action plan. I do mine in bullet points, which are so tidy and filled with hope the items will magically get completed.
Today:
eat to support well-being
breathe, rest, take breaks
savor my teaching success
type up notes to students and email them
welcome health joy, yes, peace
brainstorm new story pitch
read
yoga
avoid multitasking
date with stepdaughter and her fiancé on Zoom
lights out at 10 pm
Even the items that aren't completed are considered achievements. They mean we weren't only pushing. We were breathing too.
The second list celebrates what went well the day before.
Yesterday's grace:
ate to support well-being
health
Mom got her hair done
teaching, first day of class!
lady at Starbucks
Tom, Zari cat
took breaks
morning walk
the last episode of Insecure
progress on writing projects
Beyond corresponding with one another, we talk by phone at least once a week to enjoy a more directly interactive exchange.
I've had many action buddies over the years as schedules and priorities have changed, and I've found them through writing groups and other social circles. We've had commonalities and differences, which has worked well in having someone who introduces me to new ideas and approaches.
Finally, my action buddy isn't the only person who supports my writing and other visions. I rely on a team approach, reaching out to people when taking harder actions with texts like "hitting send on my latest story." I also attend one of my writing group's regular Saturday check-ins and celebrate literary rejections and acceptances on our group's social media pages.
However, having one consistent person has been among the ways I've found stability, especially during the shaky nature of the past couple of years. We serve as birthing coaches, reminding one another when to breathe, when to push.
Laura Sturza is a writer/teacher living in Rockville, Maryland, after 20 years in L.A. — her other home. Her work is published in The Washington Post, The LA Times, The Boston Globe Magazine, Lunch Ticket, AARP's The Girlfriend, and Shondaland, among others. She is completing the memoir, The Adventures of an Almost 50, Never Married, Wannabe-Wife. Laura wrote, produced, and starred in the one-woman show, Finding the Perfect Place to Live in 111 Gyrations. She is a member of the Women Who Submit writing group. A version of this essay first appeared on the group's blog. laurasturza.com