Accepting Appreciation

I was in the middle of tossing a Caesar salad for a party of four theater-goers. They seemed like nice enough people, engrossed as they were in their wine and dinner conversation. Sometimes the customers liked to watch the production that was tableside Caesar; these did not. That night, I found I was missing that attention, so as I plated and delivered the salads, I began a little narration: “Here you go,” I said with some flourish. “And one for you, and you, and of course one for you too.”

They nodded their thanks and returned to their conversation.

I stood for a moment in the silence where I had hoped to find praise and gratitude. All at once my life felt like a damp rag from which I was trying to wring meaning it could not provide. I grabbed the paddles and empty bowl and headed back to the kitchen. “I’ve lived my whole life for other people’s approval,” I thought. That seemed true, but what was just as true was that I’d received plenty of that approval; in fact, I’d been getting it my whole life. I’d been told I was kind, and talented, and smart, and creative, and dependable, and, of course, a good writer. I’d been told it and told it and still I needed to know these strangers liked my Caesar salad.

The next morning, I resolved to change this. Now that I’d recognized what I was doing, it was embarrassingly obvious how the search for approval was a kind of drug addiction, living as you must from brief high to brief high. That night, however, as I was contemplating my New Direction, picturing what a day might feel like without the north star of praise to guide me, I couldn’t help wondering, “Where will the fun be without it?”

In many ways, I’m still answering that question. One of the challenges of being an artist is learning how to accept other people’s appreciation with integrity. If you do your work with integrity, after all, that appreciation will inevitably come. The only time I’ve had any luck accepting what others are giving me is when I remember that I love to appreciate other people’s work just as much as I love to appreciate my family and friends, and my cat, and a new snowfall. It’s much better than when I reject those things in my heart, wishing they were different so I could feel different, feel as alive as I did when I loved what already was.

If you like the ideas and perspectives expressed here, feel free to contact me about individual coaching and group workshops.

Fearless Writing: How to Create Boldly and Write With Confidence.
You can find William at: williamkenower.com