Ever Changing

I was four books into a novel-writing career that had thus far produced one published book, and that by a publisher so small I had to ask for two author copies of my own novel. My agent, who had tried valiantly to sell my last manuscript, had just sent me an email informing me that my latest effort was not to her liking. She couldn’t represent it. “Crap,” I thought. “I’m right back where I started. I’ve been at this for almost ten years and nothing has changed.”

That’s certainly how it seemed at that moment. I felt exactly as confused and powerless and frustrated and trapped as when my first novel was turned down by agent after agent. I felt no better, no wiser, and worst of all – no freer. I was staring out of the same bars I’d been staring out of forever, and the life I wanted, the life I believed existed, remained shimmering and unreachable beyond the walls of my familiar cell. What can change in a prison cell, after all? You pace and pace, and the walls and bars stay as immutable as the stone and iron of which they’re made.

If I had been feeling logical when that email came, I could have pointed to evidence of change, to the book I had published, to how close we’d come to publishing it in a big New York house, to how easily I got the agent that tried to sell it. All of that was true, but, apparently, useless to me at that moment. I felt stuck, I felt unfree, and so I was.

I have learned since then to be more disciplined with myself. If I want change and growth in my life – and I do – then I absolutely must look for it in every corner, in every iota of my experience. I cannot simultaneously want change, want progress, and not look for it or believe in it. Pessimism isn’t realism; in fact, it’s the exact opposite. Life, in reality, never stops changing, never stops growing, never stops creating, and to believe otherwise is like awakening at midnight and declaring the sun has been extinguished.

If you like the ideas and perspectives expressed here, feel free to contact me about individual coaching and group workshops.

Fearless Writing: How to Create Boldly and Write With Confidence.
You can find William at: williamkenower.com