Resolved

Because I attended school that began in September and ended in June, for most of my life I thought of January as a cold and un-celebratory return to a journey already fully underway. It was certainly not a beginning, which is why I was never drawn to New Year’s resolutions. It’s too late, I thought. The most I could do is ride this out and hope for the best.

Then a number of years ago I had pitched an essay to a Seattle magazine. The editor was excited by the idea, and said she’d like to have a look. This was the first time I’d worked with an editor this way, and as I sat down to write, I saw a potential problem. She had not yet actually accepted the piece, and though she had told me how much she enjoyed my blogs, I still needed to write something she liked. Given my long history with rejection, I knew it would be easy for me to start writing for her, trying to tell a story whose single goal was to please this one person. This was a recipe for misery and failure, and yet still one I could from sheer habit be seduced into following.

I made a resolution. Writing this essay had to feel exactly like writing one of my blogs. If at any time it felt different than that – if I felt myself straining or doubting and trying to get something right – I would immediately stop working and step away. I wanted to publish the piece in her magazine, but more than that I wanted to write for publication as if I was writing for myself. It was the only way I’d ever know any kind of success.

I ended up finishing the piece in one sitting and it was accepted and published. It was nice seeing it in print, but in retrospect it was that moment of resolve that pleased me most. I wasn’t actually doing anything radically new when I wrote that essay; in fact, quite the opposite. Instead, I was reminding myself what I truly cared about. So, if you are inclined to make New Year’s resolutions, let them be for something familiar, something you have loved and known but have not fully embraced, fearing it wasn’t enough, all the while knowing you can do no better than when you are letting yourself be who you actually are.

If you like the ideas and perspectives expressed here, feel free to contact me about individual coaching and group workshops.

Everyone Has What It Takes: A Writer’s Guide to the End of Self-Doubt
You can find William at: williamkenower.com