Careful Conversations

I have close friends with whom I can talk about anything, and though I am sometimes flip or irreverent or even inarticulate, they rarely misunderstand me. They know who I am, they know where my heart is, and, most importantly, they know we are largely in agreement about the world and what ultimately governs it. I have other friends, however, with whom I have learned I must speak more carefully. It’s like my other friends will get all my jokes and these friends do not, and a joke that misses can seem offensive or cruel or ignorant.

I enjoy the friends who get my jokes more than those who don’t, but I must admit the latter are very helpful. With them, I must say exactly what I mean, with no assumptions about what someone might already know. Sometimes, I don’t actually know exactly what I mean until a conversation with one of these friends. It’s more work than the loose, off-the-cuff, first-draft banter I love, but I always appreciate clarity wherever I can find it.

Some subjects are like difficult friends. Acceptance and rejection, for instance. As a writer, I only want to think about acceptance, about telling the story I most want to tell and then finding the like-minded people with whom to share it. But I have experienced plenty of rejection in my life, and if I’m a little loose and sloppy when I approach this issue, I’ll fall into the rejection hole. Sometimes, in fact, I believe I’m focused on acceptance, but I’m really just trying not to think of rejection, which means I’m actually thinking about rejection. It’s a slippery subject.

So, I must approach it carefully and with deliberate intention. It’s more work than thinking about what I’d like for dinner, or a new chord progression, or how I’ll tell a funny story. I certainly like things that are easy, but I also like a friendly world, and that sometimes requires me to take care. There is nothing inherently unfriendly about acceptance and rejection unless you misunderstand their necessary relationship, which I have. The only way to learn anything is to go slowly and consciously, to pay attention to every move and thought, until the idea that seemed difficult and ripe with misery is understood as the friend it always was.

If you like the ideas and perspectives expressed here, feel free to contact me about individual coaching and group workshops.

Everyone Has What It Takes: A Writer’s Guide to the End of Self-Doubt
You can find William at: williamkenower.com