The Stranger

For as long as I can remember, when I’m at my lowest, I’ve always thought the same thing: What’s the point? Why start this, when it clearly isn’t going to go anywhere? I have seen the future, you see, and it’s sealed like a tomb. I’m not at all happy about the situation. I don’t want to go where I’m certain I’m headed, and my first reaction is always to get angry. It’s as if I’ve heard from the authorities, and been told I must simply accept my lot. How I wished these villains were in the room with me. I’d tell them what I thought of their verdict and how cruel it is to expect anyone to live with it.

The battles I’ve fought against these enemies are a whirlwind of frustration, left as I am punching air. Somewhere in me is the awareness that I’m the one who condemned me to this sentence in the first place. But the prison is so dark, so unlike anything I would dream for myself if I cared to dream, that it could only be imaginable by someone else, someone who had none of my best interests in mind, who did not know me or love me. And so I fight, a pugilist alone in the ring but still swinging.

I’m not wholly incorrect to feel as if a stranger has darkened my world with his pessimism. I am most recognizable to myself in stillness. Yes, I love being caught in the swift stream of creativity, propelled as I am by my awakened curiosity, happy simply to see what comes next. It’s easy, however, to mistake myself for that current as I become wholly part of it for the journey. Yet I am not. I am the one who chose it and allowed it, and I could end that ride with a thought as simple as, “Why bother?”

As a person who enjoys creating this and that, I can often forget the stillness from which all those creations grow. In so doing, I forget who I actually am. It is a stranger who sees the end of my world. Thoughts come and go like travelers through a station. I am not required to follow any of them, but when I do, I must remember I can always turn back, that I am not any idea, I am the one following, but I am free.

If you like the ideas and perspectives expressed here, feel free to contact me about individual coaching and group workshops.

Everyone Has What It Takes: A Writer’s Guide to the End of Self-Doubt
You can find William at: williamkenower.com