Good News

Recently, a mole I had removed from my forearm was found to contain melanoma. Though it did not appear to have spread anywhere else on my skin, my doctor thought we should make sure it hadn’t trickled down to my lymph nodes. Unfortunately, trace amounts were found in one. As these things go, my situation was far from critical, but I nonetheless found myself on a journey I would prefer not take. Specifically, the tests I was given and the ensuing wait for their all-important results.

These kinds of medical issues were new to me, but the journey was not. I realized this sitting on my couch one day with my wife. The surgery to excise more skin and biopsy the lymph nodes was still a week away. I felt perfectly fine physically. What’s more, I was quite enjoying the conversation I was having with Jen, as well as the work I’d been doing on my new podcast. At that moment, I was happy in that normal, light, drama-free way not uncommon to me. Until, that is, I had the thought: But what about those results? Until they come in, you won’t know if you’re allowed to be happy.

As soon as that thought entered my mind, I felt a deeply familiar pall. As a writer, my life often appeared tethered to some result – whether a book contract or sales or, once upon a time, hearing from agents I’d queried. Something outside of my control would determine how I would feel, the same as the weather determines if I should wear a coat. Seen this way, whatever is happening now doesn’t really matter; it’s all just a time-filling prelude to the moment I learn whether I’ve succeeded or failed, whether I’ll live or die.

It's intolerable. It’s always been intolerable, but I didn’t fully appreciate until that moment how I had nonetheless endured the sickly hopelessness brought on by this allegiance to a result, to good news and bad news. I did not know where this particular journey would take me, but I have never known where any road is headed. I have, however, always known life’s only pleasure, only meaning, only value, no matter how often I lifted my gaze away from it to distant spot that has never existed.

Check out Fearless Writing with Bill Kenower on YouTube or your favorite podcast app.

Everyone Has What It Takes: A Writer’s Guide to the End of Self-Doubt
You can find William at: williamkenower.com