More Of This

My wife, Jen, has been spending time with an old friend of hers who’s been receiving radiation for breast cancer. Her friend, Sarah, was having a hard time before she received her diagnosis. Any conversation with her was going to involve a lot of complaint. Life seemed unfair to her; people treated her poorly and often disappointed her; she worried often about money though she had plenty of it. What’s more, she had no job, her kids were out of school, and yet she often talked about how busy and overwhelmed she was.

As is often the case, learning she had cancer focused Sarah in way she had not been for many years. The daily radiation treatments were like a job she went to each morning, and her self-care required she exercise and eat well and get as much rest as possible. She still complained a lot, however – about the doctors who weren’t communicative enough, and her children who weren’t supportive enough. Plus, she was scared. Would the radiation work? Would the cancer come back?

“I just want to live,” she told Jen one afternoon.

To which Jen replied, “Why? Why do you want to live?”

I thought it was the best question she could have asked her friend. Sarah couldn’t really answer it at that moment, which was not surprising. Life as she was always describing it was hardly something anyone would be eager to have more of. Not-dying isn’t reason enough for anyone to live. Perhaps Sarah is still thinking about my wife’s question. I hope she senses there is something more fulfilling, more enjoyable, more satisfying than the mere end of discomfort and disappointment. She must. Otherwise, what would she be complaining about?

When Jen put the question to me, I said, “I’m still interested in learning where this is going.” I’ve always felt that the very act of writing is a kind of answer. Not a definitive one the way a math equation is solved, but an answer that has no end and evolves as we ask what we care about now. When I’m deep in it, I’m reminded that I’m not here to fix anything or achieve anything or even be anything. When I’m really in it, all I’m thinking is, “More of this, please.”

Check out Fearless Writing with Bill Kenower on YouTube or your favorite podcast app.

Everyone Has What It Takes: A Writer’s Guide to the End of Self-Doubt
You can find William at: williamkenower.com